I knew it was coming. 

I'd heard the rumours, the small, quiet murmuring in the dark...

Stories coming from the West of a sacrilegious tome being written, one that should not see the light of day. 

With one (ok, two) tweet(s), my world was shattered: 

Yup, an Evil Dead remake. 

A film that should only ever be viewed on a worn out, low quality VHS (preferably a copy, to capture it in it's full 'Video nasty-you should not be watching this at age 12' glory) is going to get the Hollywood treatment. And it's wrong...Why? Well shut up and let me educate you, oh ignorant heathen.

The original is notable for 2 things: The insanely low budget and the incredibly corny, over the top acting. That's not to bash it, those things are what make it so great. Watch the trailer for a moment:

That line at 0.22: 'No Ash! It was the woods themselves...they're alive!!' is both terrible and completely and utterly brilliant. That's what makes this film what it is, it's low budget, but at the same time made with a brilliant energy and competency that far exceeds it's subject and genre. Raimi introduces some fantastically timed slapstick to the horror. You can see it in the trailer: those crash zooms to Ash's face when those shutters start to slam at the window, the quirky angles and the quick, anamatronic-like movements of the Deadites (zombies to you ignorant people). It is, at it's heart, pure 'Ghost-house' style thrills and that's what makes it so compelling and undoubtedly is why it has stuck around for nearly 30 years and given it a huge, cult following.

Of course, I can't go without mentioning the other reason for this film's cult status: Bruce Campbell.

He's the heart of it all, the every-man. A nerdy (yeah sure he's 6ft-something with a manly jaw...but in the Evil Dead world, he's the nerd...ok?) character who *SPOILER* has to rise up and become the unlikely hero when his friends start to become possessed by an unseen evil. It's a character trope that has been copied into numerous horror films (That's right, Hills Have Eyes remake, I'm looking right at you... don't' look at the floor and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...*) but Bruce makes it real. He's got a great charisma about him that makes you root for him despite the corny lines, the cheesy sound effects and the wrestling with obviously rubber props.

So, to my point: Without Raimi's brilliantly energetic direction and without the charismatic presence of Bruce Campbell, Evil Dead would not be Evil Dead. A remake is pointless (a pointless remake?? NEVER!**). One small consolidation is that Raimi is attached to produce, so hopefully he will be able to dictate the tone of the film. But that raises other questions: why would he want a remake? Evil Dead was his first major film, the one that started his career...why would he actively want this to happen? Maybe it's a lesser of two evils and it was going to happen with or without him, this way he at least gets some control over it. 

Now. I'm going to say something next that might shock you, disgust you and possibly make you want to call a mob together to chase me to the old abandoned windmill and burn me alive. (if you follow me on twitter...you know where this is going...)

The only way I could possibly be interested in this is if they cast this man as Ash: 

That's right. Matthew Lewis aka: Neville Longbottom.

Neville.

Longbottom. 

Look at him. He's PERFECT. He's got the 'every-man' look the character needs, but with enough of an heroic streak for you to believe that he could fight off evil single handily. Go and compare him to that image of Bruce up above...it's almost like he was made to play second fiddle to Daniel 'I can't emote to save my life' Radcliffe so he could then go on to shine as a new hero of horror.

Cast him or GTFO.  

End rant. 

Reciting ancient Sumarian burial practices in 140 characters: @gavweir

*I know the original HHE ended in a similar way, but you can't deny the remake was dropping 'Ash-style' symbolism all over itself. You can't. Trust me, I've tried.

**I actually like the Dawn of the Dead remake, in many ways, I prefer it to the original. I mean, the middle section of that film is DULL. Everything slows to a crawl...wait a minute! maybe that was the point...to slow it down to a pace similar to the zombies! Nah..that would be awful.